Jamie and Rafe have been together for 16 years and knew early on in their relationship that they would like to have children. While surrogacy was an option, they were both deeply aware that there were already children who needed families. “I thought, these children are already here, looking for a home, and we have so much to offer them”, Jamie explains.
The couple were already familiar with Coram’s charity work with children, so when the time came to choose an adoption agency, Coram was the natural choice.
Jamie says:
“As a same-sex couple, we wondered how the process would feel – but Coram made us feel welcome and supported from the very beginning.” Jamie and Rafe found the adoption preparation valuable: “It was thorough and honestly transformative. It was like years of therapy – it left no stone unturned. That training is something we still draw on every single day”.
After they were approved as adopters, the couple looked at lots of profiles and narrowed their choice down to five profiles. With their social worker’s help, the couple settled on the profile of 4-year-old twins Sean and David. On the process of narrowing down Jamie recalls: “There were things we would never have thought about. That’s where Coram’s expertise came in.”
Jamie feels strongly about adopting siblings:
“We were very open to adopting siblings because we knew they often waited longer to be placed”. Jamie and Rafe felt it was important to meet the boys’ birth parents which Jamie describes as an emotional experience. “We learned a lot about the birth parents’ history and understood that they’d done their best and that they hadn’t been given the same chances and opportunities we’d been given.”
Before the boys moved in with Jamie and Rafe, there was a carefully managed introductions process structured over ten days to ensure that Sean and David were prepared. Jamie and Rafe had the opportunity to meet the boys’ foster carers and acknowledge their valuable support in helping to prepare the boys. As part of the preparations, Jamie and Rafe sent the boys teddy bears and photo books with pictures of their new home. “They clung to those teddies,” Jamie says. “They recognised the pictures, ‘my bed, my room’, it really helped. The boys were so immediately accepting.”
When the time came for the boys to move in Coram’s advice was to take things slowly and focus on building stability. “Our social worker told us to focus on routines and rhythms because that’s what the boys needed to build trust and understand that we weren’t going anywhere.” When the boys struggled to sleep at first, Jamie would sleep on the floor by their beds to make sure they felt safe. Sean and David have since flourished in their new home and have made great progress with their development. Jamie says: “The boys barely spoke when they came to us, but their speech has exploded and now they don’t stop talking!” They were also quite picky eaters but now eat a wide range of foods and enjoy helping to prepare food at home.
The couple did face some challenges along the way as David had significant tooth decay and was in a lot of pain. Jamie remembers: “David needed surgery to remove 12 teeth under a general anaesthetic. I cried my eyes out when I had to leave him on the operating table. I knew then how attached I was to him. I felt overwhelming love for him, like this is my son and I will do whatever it takes to make sure he has what he needs. It was such a bonding moment between us because as soon as he woke up, I was there and he let me comfort him.”
Keeping Sean and David together means a lot to Jamie and Rafe:
“The boys have always had each other, that’s been the constant in their lives and if anything, it made the transition smoother for them. They have such a sweet relationship, and they miss each when they aren’t together. But they also have brotherly rivalry and will fight over toys!”. The boys also have birth siblings who have also been adopted, and Jamie and Rafe make a point of keeping in touch with them.
Jamie says:
“Adoption has changed our lives in ways we couldn’t have imagined. Our boys are five now and they’re thriving, they’re full of energy, and they keep us laughing every day. Watching them grow and knowing we get to be their family is the greatest privilege of our lives.”
Could you adopt one or more children?
We would love to hear from you if you believe you can offer one or more children the time, love and commitment they require to grow up feeling safe and happy.
Please get in touch on 020 7520 0383 or email us at adoption@coram.org.uk.